How to Cope with a Loss During IVF: A Guide for Men

coreyparchman
Feb 13
3 min read

The journey of IVF is filled with hope, excitement, and anticipation, but it can also come with deep heartbreak. The loss of a pregnancy—whether through a failed embryo transfer, a miscarriage, or another complication—can be an incredibly painful experience. As men, we often feel the need to stay strong, to be the rock for our partners, and to push our own grief aside. However, it’s crucial to acknowledge and process your emotions, too.

In this post, we’ll explore ways to cope with loss during IVF, how to support your partner while also taking care of yourself, and resources available to help you navigate this difficult time.

1. Acknowledge Your Grief

It’s common for men to suppress their emotions when dealing with loss, but grief doesn’t disappear just because you ignore it. The American Psychological Association (APA) states that suppressing emotions can lead to long-term psychological and physical health issues, including anxiety and depression (APA, 2021).

You are allowed to feel sadness, disappointment, frustration, or even anger. Recognizing these emotions is the first step toward healing.

2. Communicate with Your Partner

Your partner is experiencing loss, too, and she may be dealing with intense emotions, both physically and emotionally. Open and honest communication can help both of you process grief together.

Express your feelings: Share your emotions instead of bottling them up.
Ask her how she’s feeling: Sometimes, just listening can be the best support.
Be patient: You and your partner may grieve in different ways and at different paces.

A study published in Human Reproduction found that men often grieve IVF losses differently from their partners—while women might express emotions outwardly, men are more likely to internalize their grief (Martins et al., 2014). Recognizing these differences can help you both navigate grief more effectively.

3. Seek Support—You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

You don’t have to go through this alone. There are support groups and professional resources specifically designed for men dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss.

Online Communities: Groups like RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association (resolve.org) offer resources and support networks for couples going through infertility.
Counseling Services: A therapist who specializes in fertility issues can help you process your grief. You can find licensed professionals through platforms like BetterHelp (betterhelp.com) and Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com).
Books & Podcasts: Reading about other men’s experiences can be helpful. Books like “Grieving Dads: To the Brink and Back” by Kelly Farley provide insights into the male experience of loss.

4. Take Care of Your Mental & Physical Health

Grief can take a toll on both your mental and physical well-being. It’s essential to take care of yourself during this time.

Exercise: Regular physical activity, such as going for a walk or lifting weights, can help relieve stress and improve mood.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts can be a therapeutic way to express emotions.
Healthy Habits: Make sure you’re eating well, getting enough sleep, and avoiding excessive alcohol or unhealthy coping mechanisms.

According to the Mayo Clinic, regular exercise and good sleep habits can significantly improve mood and reduce the symptoms of stress and depression (Mayo Clinic, 2023).

5. Honor Your Loss in a Meaningful Way

Finding a way to acknowledge and remember your loss can be a healing part of the grieving process.

Plant a tree or flower in memory of your baby.
Write a letter to your child expressing your feelings.
Participate in a pregnancy and infant loss awareness event, such as Wave of Light.

Many families find comfort in creating small rituals that allow them to grieve while also moving forward.

6. Give Yourself Time

Healing from a loss isn’t linear, and there’s no set timeline for grief. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. The most important thing is to allow yourself to feel and heal at your own pace.

If you find that your grief is overwhelming or persistent, reaching out for professional help can be a valuable step toward healing. The National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offers a free helpline for mental health support (NAMI.org).

Final Thoughts

Losing a pregnancy during IVF is heartbreaking, and the grief can feel isolating. But you are not alone. By acknowledging your feelings, communicating with your partner, seeking support, taking care of yourself, and honoring your loss, you can begin to heal.

If you’re looking for more support, consider joining the IVF Playbook for Dads Facebook Group, where men share their experiences, offer advice, and support one another through the ups and downs of infertility.

Remember—your grief is real, your emotions matter, and healing is possible.